When the Supreme Court overturned DOMA, the extreme Jesus people went totally crazy. I mean, even for them. They screamed things into the TV cameras without ever considering how insane they looked. But then, calmer, they took their next big step. A few days after, they all trooped, grim-faced, to church to pray. They needed to talk to God. To pray for Obama, and five Court justices, and every gay man in America, to face God’s wrath.
As
I noted earlier, it’s funny how the people who pray the hardest to God, get
screwed over, time and again, by the Almighty.
Centuries
ago, Christians prayed to win the Crusades and survive the Black Death. And
they were ignored.
Two
centuries ago the most devout were the Irish. Potato famine.
Recently
the hardest kneeler-prayers in Christendom were the Mexicans. Swine flu.
A
billion Muslims scream to Allah every day to destroy Israel, now in its 66th
year and counting.
In
America, where do the tornados, hurricanes and floods hit most often? You
guessed it. The Bible Belt. The barefoot believers pray, and God hammers them
anyway. Not one hurricane in Vegas, the Axis Of Sin, and nary a sign of God’s
most famous instrument of punishment, flooding, on the infamous Strip.
And
every year several hundred American churches burn to the ground, as their
tobacky-spitting adherents watch helplessly. Do they have enough cerebral
wattpower to stop and wonder why their church would need to buy insurance
against acts of God? Just think of it: every week the Jesus people go to church
and pray for God to punish the people who break God's rules, and every week God
burns down another ten churches. Ten a week! More than one a day.
So
in summer 2013, God gave gays two historic court rulings. Then he gave the
Bible-thumpers ten burnt churches. Which group do you think God was punishing?
How
clear does he have to make his message? Does he need to send the Angel Gabriel
to earth as a skywriter?
“SURRENDER
TO THE FRIENDS OF DOROTHY!”
Or
perhaps God will get fed up with subtlety, and go straight down to one of the
churches to deliver the sermon directly. He’ll go to some “Church of the Final
Thunder in Swamptown Mississippi” and talk to the truly faithful. Or better
yet, go on CNN. And he will give their prayers an answer.
Thus
saith the Lord unto his flock:
“Okay,
you rubes.
“For
starters, stop believing in miracles, stop asking for miracles! Did you ever
wonder why the stories the preachers read to you, to get you to obey them, are
always connected to the most unbelievable miracles? You are all condemned
sinners, according to the insane fable of Genesis, with the six-day universe,
the magic apple and the talking snake? I supposedly gave you the ten
commandments after the miraculous plagues in Egypt which never happened, during
the march to the burning bush of Sinai which never happened? You can be saved only
by following church rules, because Jesus jumped out of his grave and flew off
into space, which never happened? Only obeying the priest can save you from
God’s unending rage and wrath – folks, I don’t hate you people nearly as much
as Moses said I did! Yes, your fathomless stupidity gets on my nerves: clearly
I should have made your brains bigger and your penises smaller, to teach you a
lesson. But I’m really not going to kill you, and you’re not going to spend
eternity in hellfire either! All nonsense about hell was invented by priests
centuries after Christ!
“Stop
praying to me that you’re being persecuted! Nobody is burning you at the stake
or torturing you or even making your church pay taxes. And it’s pretty hard to
take your persecution complaint seriously, when you’re persecuting women on
abortion and contraception, throwing bombs at abortion clinics, threatening
liberal congressmen, trying to deny gays equal rights on health insurance and
Social Security and Medicare and survivor benefits and income tax and parental
rights, ramming new rules down everyone else’s throats on marriage and sex ed
and book banning, driving politicians out of office for not being extreme
enough, declaring war on the Boy Scouts because they don’t hate as much as you
do, and screaming that everyone who dares to live their life their own way is
declaring “war” on your whole way of life. Denying you the right to persecute
isn’t persecution.
“And
by the way, speaking of persecution…you folks have consigned the Dixie Chicks
to the wilderness for ten straight years now? Stations won’t play them or run
ads for their shows, musicians refuse to even talk to them? You took ten
minutes to forgive Paula Deen -- how many years long is the sentence for the
Chicks, exercising their right of free speech?
“Stop
watching Fox News – it’s violates all the instructions I’ve been giving you.
Book of Exodus, I don’t want you pulling guns and shooting burglars; Book of
Numbers, abortion is okay; I said over and over that war is stupid and that you
should bend your swords into plowshares; obey the government, pay your taxes,
take care of immigrants and the poor, be suspicious of the rich….Fox News?
That’s Satan’s gig, not me.
“Stop
waiting for me to come back to live on earth. Those loons who wrote the Gospel
of John and Revelation said Jesus was coming back in their lifetimes – it’s
been 2000 years, people! After all this time, you people should have figured
out how to love one another and stop killing each other, without me coming back
to remind you: evolve faster! All you brain-dead idiots stocking up on tuna
fish and ammunition in your bomb shelters, preparing for the End Times: you’re
the ones who are getting left behind. Because nobody likes you, you make
terrible neighbors, you’re incapable of minding your own business, and you’re
the living embodiment of everything I tried to stop you from doing.
“Ignore
the Torah. Even the ancient Israelites didn’t follow the Torah: most of them
were dead by the time the book was even finished. Ignore the Torah: I said that
in Romans, Galatians, Collossians, Ephesians and Hebrews. Peter, Paul and
James, the founders of the faith, said you can ignore all that Torah crap about
gays and shellfish and circumcision. I’m God, I can change my mind! And how can
you Kentucky-fried lard-asses possibly eat all that ham and bacon, and still
insist that you’re upholding Torah law? Have you even read the Torah, all that
nonsense about eating vultures and grasshoppers -- you really think I care
about how you handle mildew and dirt? In fact, you can ignore most of the
Bible: most of it was written by a bunch of guys you never even heard of, to
persuade you to obey them and give them money. You think I was the one who
authorized all that lunacy in Revelation, or all that soft-core porn in Song of
Songs? Read Isaiah: do you really think I’m that boring?
“How
can you think I hate gays when I made millions of them, when a thousand
different species have gay sex? Homosexuality is perfectly natural: it’s
religious miracles that are unnatural. The first great king of the Jews, David,
was gay: David and Jonathan had a love surpassing the love of women, they took
off their clothes, they kissed, they wept, their parents tried to break it up
because they thought it was shameful. Totally, completely, gay.
Liza-Minelli-poster-on-his-bedroom-wall gay. And how can you think I wanted
marriage between one man and one woman? At first I didn’t want to create women
at all, and the men of the Bible almost all practiced polygamy, or abandoned their
wives to go preach or just to run away.
“If
you had just done what Jesus told you -- take care of the sick and the old and
the poor, love one another, live for each other rather than just for yourselves
and your own wealth or your own fame, peace, mercy, forgiveness, tolerance,
reconciliation, meekness – all your problems would be solved by now. And
imagine what the world would look like now, if only you had followed the
instructions.
“How many church fires and tornados do I need to send, before you
get the message? Pretty soon I will start burning the churches with you people
still in them. My big mistake with Noah and the flood, was saving the people
who prayed the most, and killing the rest. Next time, you Bible thumpers die
first!
“Don’t make me come back down here!”
