A neat way to shut up
religious people is to demand that they define the God they believe in. Who is
God? What is God? What the hell are you talking about?
It’s the perfect
dilemma, known as the "ignostic dilemma": if they use Plan A, and
define God in specific terms, i.e. the literalists who believe every word in
the Bible, then you can whip out all the proof that the Bible is logically and
scientifically wrong. All you have to do is whip out the first book of the
Bible, Genesis, and the “specific” definition of God falls apart, because
Genesis is loaded with provable lies.
Which is why the
cleverer Jesus People go to Plan B, defining God in terms that are so vague and
slippery that they essentially have no meaning, definitions that could easily
apply to things that are entirely non-supernatural. Examples:
“God is, like, that
feeling I get that makes me want to do good things.” In other words,
conscience.
“God is, like, that
feeling I get when I just feel really good”. Which, depending on circumstances,
could be runner’s high. Intoxication, a really good toe-curling orgasm….
“God is, like, the
thing which makes good things happen in the world.” In other words, dumb luck,
which seems to hit evil people as much as the good.
“God is karma.” See
“luck”.
“God is what created
the universe.” In other words, a mass of unimaginable energy that exploded and
turned itself into piles of dust and burning hydrogen and empty space. An
unthinking pile of matter.
“God is the one who
rules the universe.” The universe, the place that is 99.99999 percent dead,
lethal to all life. In other words, God is the guy who rules with less
competence than the warlords who “rule” Somalia.
“God is who we worship.” In other words,
Justin Bieber. Or money. Which is kinda the same thing.
“God is the one who
rules our world.” In other words, a consortium of corporations and banks that
includes Exxon, Bank of America, and the Koch brothers.
“God is the one who dominates and takes over
my life.” In other words, a new baby, an obsessive spouse, a cocaine addiction,
or Facebook.
“God is what gives us our moral rules.” In
other words, the primitive tribesmen who existed long before Jehovah was even
thought of, tribesmen who worshipped a hundred little pagan Gods. In other
words, our morality came from people who worshipped every ancient God except Jehovah.
“God is all-knowing,
all-powerful, endlessly good.” This one was exploded by the philosopher
Epicurus before Jesus was even born. “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not
able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor
willing? Then why call him God?”
“God is the one who
loves me and answers my prayers.” This takes us back to Epicurus. God never
gives you any sign that he’s listening, and does nothing to improve your world
or your life, that wouldn’t have happened anyway. In other words, he says
nothing and does nothing. In other words, God is Uncle Bob who hasn’t worked
since he got hit in the head with that ladder.
“God is the one who hates fags!” Which is why
“he” created millions of them. Which is why there are over a thousand species
that not only indulge in gay sex but have gay relationships. Which is why in
America – God’s country – the founding fathers won the revolution and signed
the Constitution wearing wigs, lace and satin tights. In other words, God hates
nature, hates America, and hates millions of his own creations.
“God is the one who
thinks every new life is precious.” And kills millions of young children each
year with disease and hunger. In other words, God is plague and famine and
death. Death of the most innocent among us. Let us praise and worship him!
“God sent us the
Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.” In other words, Mommy!
“God sent us Santa.”
In other words, Daddy!
“God makes the food
grow.” In other words, rain and cow shit.
“God is perfection.”
Which just proves he doesn’t exist. Because there is no such thing as absolute
perfection. Some things come close – the weightless frictionless pulley in
physics homework, Jimmy Page's guitar, kd lang’s voice, my daughter’s platinum
eyelashes, Kate Upton’s body – but only close. There are things that are
perfect in certain aspects – the GOP is perfectly evil, pizza is the perfect
food – but not perfect in all things. In other words God doesn’t exist in the
real world.
“God is the one who
will live forever.” Which is impossible since the universe is going to collapse
and destroy itself in a few billions years.
“God is infinite.”
The only thing that’s infinite is the emptiness of space, and even that is
temporary.
“God is the one whose
eye is on the sparrow: he watches everything and cares for everything, no
matter how small.” Well, just look at the state the world is in. Millions dying
of famine and disease, thousands of species going extinct, all life on the
planet vulnerable to global warming, mankind lost in a morass of hate and
murder and greed and ignorance. If God is watching everything, he’s doing damn
little about it. Just sitting up in his celestial man-cave, watching the world
fall apart like it’s a reality show. So God is Uncle Bob again.
“God is the being who
created man in his own image.” Look at man. An ugly smelly hairy creature prone
to stupidity and violence, small-minded, short-sighted, mean-spirited. And up
in heaven is a creature just as repulsive. Yay! And by the way, most of mankind
consists of brown-skinned people who don’t believe in the Bible. Which I bet
the Baptists never really looked into very carefully.
“God built heaven and
hell for the saints and sinners.” Actually heaven and hell, as conceived by
modern Christians, appear almost nowhere in the Bible. And a good thing too,
since astronomers have looked into heaven and found no sign of God or his
angels, and geologists have looked down below to find nothing but rock.
“God is beyond our
comprehension, it’s a mystery!” In other words, the concept of God is
meaningless, and defenders of the concept are just copping out.
